Hi there,
It's been a minute. This one's going to be rusty and raw – what can I expect when I write once a year. It's ironic that I'm writing about the mindset that's kept me from writing.
For the past (too long to say), I've been running away from one pursuit to another. It's been a struggle to appreciate anything while doing it. At that moment, it feels like I'd rather do anything else. I then go on to do something else and feel the same way about that too.
When I study, I'd rather dance. When I dance, I'd rather work. When I work, I'd rather write. When I write, I'd rather travel.
Writing on my personal blog felt like an escape when I was doing my Masters. There was something so romantic about finding hidden pockets of time to write when I had mountains of coursework to do. I'd sneak out to write like it was my affair when I had to be studying instead (yes, I'm stealing Liz Gilbert's words).
When I deliberately decided to start writing more, it started to feel like work.
Somewhere somehow from "I get to do this!" it became "I've got to do this". The affair that I longed to be with became the commitment I'm trapped in.
This isn't only with writing. If you're like me, you romanticise the idea of doing something more than actually doing it. The reality isn't as dreamy, it's convenient to find a new fantasy you'd much rather do.
Today, I got so frustrated with this pattern I'm stuck in and am desperately searching for means to break free from it. There's a switch somewhere in my head to look at things differently – to embrace the ugly parts of my current pursuit and not be seduced by another fantasy. Writing about it is my attempt to call myself out on this.
Extremely grateful to have a medium to express myself and that you're reading this. I don't have to, but I get to do this and it's so rewarding. I want to look back at this moment when I feel writing is a chore.
Have a beautiful week ☀️
P.S. If you have suggestions on what I could do/read/watch to shift my mindset, do reply – I’ll be most grateful 💌